ED, 2008, Crouching, acrylic on canvas, 48X54
When the first smear of blood showed on my panties I had
been waiting for it forever. I felt guilty that it came too late. I had great
expectations of sex. I was disgusted with my reflection in the mirror. I had
huge sexual desires. I had terrible fear of sex. I stained my bottoms. I had
jolts in the abdomen every time I accidentally touched a man. I was sickened
with adult men. The present was unbearable. The future was great. My face was
blushing with acne. My periods were irregular. My PMSs were torturous. My body
was long and skinny. My heir was greasy. My chest was flat. I wore my brother’s
clothes. People took me for a boy. Boys didn’t take me seriously. I didn’t know
who I was.
When the postpartum bleeding gave way to the long periods of menstrual
interruption I felt stupid. I felt
overweight. I was consumed with my baby. I was not interested in sex. My
breasts were heavy and bursting with milk. My nipples were leaky and sore. I
stained my tops. I missed sexual desire. I felt unattractive. I was deprived of
sleep. I compensated by eating. I didn’t have time for myself. The present was
forever. The future never came. I had bliss from my baby’s physical presence. I
craved a moment away from my baby. I reacted to any “ma” sound in the universe.
I heard every stir coming from my baby’s cradle. My home was my castle. My home
was my prison. My home was my workplace. I got complemented on my children. I
didn’t know who I was.
After the last drop of blood faded from my underwear I lost
my lust. Sweat stained my sweaters. I
acquired the past. The future became the present. I was liberated from the
threat of next pregnancy. Sexual fantasies, awareness of glances in my
direction, and glances in my direction never distracting me again. I stopped
feeling like my daughter, talking like my daughter, thinking like my daughter,
acting like my daughter, and got rid of immortality, negligence towards
achievements, and irritation with my family.
I knew who I was. I didn’t know what the shit it meant.
